He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
