I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
