my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
