Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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