Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
