My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
