Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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