Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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