Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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