I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
