See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize