How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
All the doctor said was why
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
