Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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