i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
