I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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