What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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