I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
