There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
