If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
