so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
