that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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