White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
vagina is talking i cant
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
