God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
