Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
