If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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