He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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