I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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