I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
