Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
