woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
