ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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