If i come over, it means nothing
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
