You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
