I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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