I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
