Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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