we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
