i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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