I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
