I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
