Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
