I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
