I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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