i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize