I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
