I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
