I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
