he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
