My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize