I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
