hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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