WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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