Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
