We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
