i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
