It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
