dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Randomize
