I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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