so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
