My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize