I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
