Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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