It's like God shit irony all over that family
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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