in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
