are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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