Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
