OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He has the fingertips of a God
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