she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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