in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
