i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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