I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
